Beware the city's deadliest sins...

Sometime last week, i received a somewhat hilarious email titled "beware the city's deadliest sins"; apparently a mention of the 'petty offences' you had better keep away from lest you find yourself huddled at the back of a City council vehicle headed towards the cell. Besides being plain outrageous, this list of 'ten commandments' simply does not make any positive contribution to how we go about our business in the city.

Beware the city's deadliest sins (and thier criticisms)
1.Buying from hawkers
(Take to your heels right behind the hawkers once you spot the city askaris.Kindly don't leave any of your wares behind.Always carry a shuka with you)
2.Sitting on a flower pot in the CBD
(The flowers in the city are quite susceptible to any noxious fumes emanating from us humans.By the way, the flower pots are so much nicer and welcoming to our 'gluts')
3.Spitting on any footpath or blowing the nose aimlessly other than into a suitable cloth or tissue
(Who defines what a 'suitable' cloth is? If i use today's daily, will the askaris pounce on me?)
4.Taking or alighting from a matatu in a non-designated area
(Matatus only ply in non-designated areas; i guess this implies no taking or alighting from matatus)
5.Crossing the road while you are on the phone
(There's a reason why the chicken crossed the road)
6.Making any kind of noise on the streets
(I'm sorry all you Margaret Wanjiru wannabe's; you'll have to find another place to proclaim "The Glory is here!!")
7.Playing any game, riding or driving or propelling a footpath
(We are sometimes forced to play games when pacing up and down in search of affordable public transport.)
8.Graffiti
9.Owner of a burning building should pay for fire fighting services whether the owner requested for attendance or not
(I suppose it would be quite entertaining to stand and watch as your building and all the worldly possessions it contains are razed to the ground by the blitz.And by the way, why do we pay all these taxes? We should join our honourable members of parliament!!)
10.Loitering
(Careful...we'll all be fitted with GPS and Track 'em so that your loitering habits can be analyzed)
11.Having your car with a 'For Sale' sign and have not paid the council is also punishable
(The proceeds from this activity will help pay someone's alimony!!)

I'm sure you get the picture.These by-laws seem to have been drafted somewhere in the back of a club by people in different stages of inebriation.